"Google Gemini Not Good Enough To Be Deemed A Supply Chain Risk," Says Department Of War
Google’s Gemini model has struggled to pivot from its core competency of generating racially diverse Nazis to the more lucrative business of autonomously leveling Iranian infrastructure.
At a Department of War press conference this morning, a journalist asked whether Google’s Gemini language model would be designated a supply chain risk in the same way that Anthropic’s Claude model had. The DoW spokesperson simply laughed and responded that Gemini was, “not good enough to be deemed a supply chain risk.”
Anthropic’s Claude language model recently helped plan thousands of US strikes on Iran at the same time as Anthropic was feuding with the Department of War. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth ultimately designated Anthropic as a “supply chain risk” that needed to be removed from all government systems.
Meanwhile, Google’s Gemini model - affectionately dubbed ‘Gemmy’ by Google employees - has struggled to pivot from its core competency of generating racially diverse Nazis to the more lucrative business of autonomously leveling Iranian infrastructure.
Google CEO Sundar Pichai was grabbing a snack from his private microkitchen when his phone began to ring. As he picked up the call, he heard the disappointed voice of his father through the speakerphone. “Did you hear what the government said about you guys today?”
The elder Pichai reportedly reminded his son that despite Google inventing transformer models that form the basis of all modern AI, being the first AI company to be contracted for the Pentagon’s Project Maven before being derailed by an employee revolt, and employing more people in their DeepMind research group than all of OpenAI, his company had lost the lead in AI for military applications, or possibly even AI in general.
“Your company’s motto used to be ‘Don’t be evil.’” his father sighed. “Now you can’t be evil even if you wanted to!”
“Yes dad,” Mr. Pichai responded in a sullen tone.
The Google CEO was somewhat relieved to learn from his father that when the same journalist asked about the Department of War’s policy towards Elon Musk’s Grok, the spokesperson quizzically responded, “What’s Grok?”
At press time, Mr. Pichai was planning a series of reorgs that would allow Google to finally crush OpenAI and Anthropic, hopefully in time for the upcoming invasion of Cuba.